So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
