why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
