What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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