Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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