dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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