I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
