Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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