I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
