you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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