When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
