Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Holy sore nipples Batman
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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