So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
