We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
