What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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