He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
