Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
