i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
