Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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