pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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