If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
