wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
