Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
