I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
