Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
