Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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