I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
