"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
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Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
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I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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