im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
