Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
