i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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