You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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