rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
