i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
