Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
