Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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