Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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