just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
