he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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