Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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