On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sorry about my life...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
