I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
