Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I could make wine with my vomit
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
