So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
