I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
