well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You ruined the universe
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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