First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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