Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
