well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
