Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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