Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
