genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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