Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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