I am puke
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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